Connection in Relationships and How to Rebuild It

You may find yourselves at a crossroad in your relationship, and you may be thinking about what went wrong and wondering if it is possible to repair the hurt and disconnect that has accumulated over the years.

Strength of Connection

When it comes to looking at relationships, it can be helpful to consider the strength of your connection.

The strength of your connection can be understood by looking at a few key aspects:

1. The sense that you exist to each other: It is crucial to feel that you matter to one another and that you are present in each other's lives.

2. Being top of mind: A strong connection is one where you feel that you matter to your partner. That they think of you when you're not there and that they consider you and you them. 

3. A knowing that you are there for each other emotionally, physically (and intimately) when you need or when you reach for each other. 

4. Feeling cherished and protected: A healthy relationship involves feeling valued and protected by each other, rather than experiencing rejection or abandonment.

The more these elements are present and reinforced in a relationship, the stronger the feeling of connection becomes.

Breakdowns in Connection

However, there are instances where the connection is lost, shattered or breaks down. Often these fractures will be related to one or more of the points mentioned above. These injuries to the connection can range from minor to more significant, and their frequency determines how much they erode the connection over time.

Examples of such injuries may include forgetting to communicate when you'll be late, rejecting your partner's attempts at affection, feeling dismissed when expressing concerns, giving the cold shoulder or ignoring, not standing up for your partner or prioritising other aspects of life over spending time with your partner. More major breakdowns in connection occur following an affair or betrayal. 

Breakdowns in the connection can raise questions like "Didn't you think of me or consider me when you were making that decision?" "Don't I matter to you?" and "How can I ever depend on you again?" "Don't you love me?" "Am I not attractive to you?" "Will I ever be able trust you again?" "Don't you care about my feelings?" leaving one feeling abandoned and rejected.

Patterns of Interacting

There are common Patterns couples often use to deal with these breakdowns.

1. Attack and Defend: Here the couple may argue, and feel like the other person doesn't understand their perspective, they may blame each other, say hurtful things, criticise, accuse, defensive. The focus is on what the other person did wrong. There is usually no resolution.
2. Pursue/Withdraw: This is where one person may express their needs, feelings, thoughts, wants (often by pointing out what other needs to do, hasn't done etc) and the other person shuts down, leaves, avoids, isn't available. Both people end up feeling hurt and not understood.
3. Freeze/Freeze: This is where couples either pretend nothing is wrong and avoid deeper issues or they may actively shut the other out. This can be described as living like flatmates. 
4. Overfunction/Underfunction: Where one person tries to fix, please, take responsibility. The more they do this, the less the other person does. It may overlap Pursuer/Distancer cycle. Here one person may end up feeling resentful, exhausted, taken for granted, unloved and the other not good enough, inadequate, unsure of how to respond.

The repairability of such a breakdown depends on various things:

1. The strength of the connection before the breakdowns occurred.
2. The willingness and desire of each person to put in the work to mend the connection.
3. The commitment to the process, which can be lengthy, requiring patience, compassion, empathy, vulnerability, and understanding.
4. Each persons emotional steadiness. 
5. The support available to both of you during this process, such as financial support for attending counselling sessions, practical assistance in taking care of children, time off from work if needed, and the support of family and friends who endorse your decision to work on your relationship.

Repairing Connection

The process of rebuilding the connection can be explained in stages:

Stage 1: This is where we slow everything down and explore whats happening within each person and between you as a couple. For example when you feel angry (within) do you get defensive (between). When you feel hurt (within) do you stop talking to your partner (between). This takes lots of patience, vulnerability, compassion, understanding, guidance and tenderness. Here we can identify patterns in the way you as a couple interact. This is a real get to know yourself, your partner and your relationship better stage. 

We aim to build emotional safety in your relationship, identify triggers, explore your own and your partner's emotional needs, and learn how to approach them tenderly. This is the longest stage of therapy and we stay at this stage of the process until you are both able to recognise when the Patterns of Interacting happen at home and are able to respond differently. 

Stage 2: Here, we focus on restructuring your emotional connection, enabling you to be AVAILABLE and RESPONSIVE to one another.

Stage 3: This stage involves building cycles of comfort, care, and bonding.

When Rebuilding Doesn't Work

If you reach a point where rebuilding the connection to form a romantic relationship based on trust and respect seems unattainable I may invite you to a session I refer to as "The Good Goodbye." This gentle session provides an opportunity to reflect on the positive aspects of your relationship, understand why rebuilding is not feasible, and create a plan for moving forward.

I hope that this sheds light on the importance of connection in relationships and offers you some guidance on the path to reconnecting. Remember that it takes time, effort, and a willingness to grow together. I am here to support you both.