How My Partner and I Rekindled Our Love

I'm a relationship therapist who experienced a separation. The question I am asked the most is "How did you save your own marriage?" Here's my honest answer....

This year will be 32 years since we first fell in love. It feels surreal to think about how much time has passed, and while I wish I could say it's been a simple, happily-ever-after love story, the reality is far more colourful.

We've had our fair share of ups and downs, and yes, at about the 18 year mark things fell apart. There were long moments when we couldn’t quite find each other, times when our connection slipped away, and loneliness crept into places that once held joy. The distance wasn't just physical; it was emotional too—a vast canyon that seemed impossible to bridge.

In those stretches, doubt would whisper in my ear, telling me that maybe this was it, that perhaps we had grown too far apart to ever find our way back. The pain of disconnection was sharp and unrelenting, filled with misunderstandings and unmet expectations. The person who once knew me best felt like a stranger, and I feared we might never rediscover the love that had once been so vibrant.

But as with anything in life, what’s often most challenging can also be what teaches us the most. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this:

The single most powerful thing that has brought us back together through all the twists and turns is our willingness to be brave enough to speak honestly and openly with each other.

Slowly, thoughtfully, openly and with raw honesty. It’s in those hard conversations, when we share what’s really in our hearts, that we find our way back to one another. It’s not easy, though. Honestly, it often means listening to things I don’t want to hear and sharing things that might upset my partner. But here’s the thing—if we don’t have those tough conversations, we stay stuck. We stay disconnected.

It takes a lot of practice, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to resist the urge to get defensive when my partner shares something difficult or expresses an unmet need. The instinct to protect myself, to justify or explain my side, can be overwhelming.

What I’ve learned over time is that the real magic happens when I just listen.

And when I let him speak, and really hear him. Not just his words, but the feelings and needs behind them, that's when we truly connect. That's when our hearts both soften. 

It's never just about the dishes, the rubbish or the sex. There is a whole deeper layer of meaning you have to find. The need to feel considered, cared about, wanted, supported, appreciated, that we matter, that we are enough, the need to know that our partner is there for us when we need them. 

Being willing to see how I could do things differently has been a game changer. It’s about having the courage to say, "I can do better" and to act on that commitment. And let’s be real—it’s not always smooth sailing. There are past experiences, old wounds, and fears that make us wary of being open. But every time my partner and I take that step, we find a deeper understanding, a more meaningful connection.

Bravery, calmness, respect, gentleness, and openness—these are the ingredients that make those difficult conversations go well. And yes, it’s hard. It takes vulnerability, patience, and so much tenderness to make it work. But if you can get the hang of it, if you can make the choice to do the hard work, it can change your life. It can transform your relationship.

As we celebrate 32 years together, I’m reminded of how far we’ve come, how much we’ve grown, and how much more we have yet to discover about each other. My wish for us—and for anyone in a relationship—is that we all remember to be worthy of one another’s best and tender with each other’s dreams.