Unpacking Attachment Styles: How your Childhood Shapes Your Relationships (and Why You Should Care)

Imagine this: you're on a first date with someone, and things are going pretty well. You're laughing, you're flirting, and you're feeling that spark of attraction. But then, they casually mention that they have a pet carpet snake, and suddenly you're having flashbacks to that time your cousin's carpet snake crawled up your leg when you were six years old. Cue the panic attack.

Sound familiar? Well, it turns out that your childhood experiences might have more of an impact on your adult relationships than you think. Specifically, your attachment style - the way you formed emotional bonds with your primary caregivers as a child - can shape the way you interact with romantic partners later in life. And don't worry, I'm not going to get all Freudian on you. This is science, baby.

What is Attachment Theory anyway?

Ah, Attachment Theory - the study of how your childhood scars can haunt you for the rest of your life. Just kidding...kind of. Attachment theory is actually a psychological framework that helps us understand how we form emotional bonds with other people, especially our primary caregivers in early childhood. Basically, it's like the instruction manual for human relationships (which, let's be honest, we could all use sometimes).

The idea is that the way we attach to our caregivers as babies and young children can have a profound impact on our emotional development and future relationships. There are three main attachment styles - secure, avoidant and anxious - and each one is like a little emotional fingerprint that influences how we think, feel, and behave around other people. So if you're wondering why you have a tendency to get clingy, or push people away, or avoid emotional intimacy like the plague, you might want to take a closer look at your attachment style.

How does childhood attachment style affect adult relationships?

Now, let's get down to the nitty-gritty - how exactly does your childhood attachment style affect your adult relationships? Well, according to research, it can have a pretty big impact.

For starters, people with a secure attachment style tend to have the most stable and satisfying relationships. They're comfortable with intimacy, able to trust others, and confident in their ability to communicate and resolve conflicts. Basically, they're relationship unicorns.

On the other hand, people with avoidant attachment styles often have a tough time with emotional intimacy and commitment. They might come across as aloof or indifferent, and they might avoid getting too close to people to protect themselves from getting hurt.

And then there are those with anxious attachment styles, who tend to be more anxious and insecure in relationships. They might worry about abandonment or rejection, and they might be overly dependent on their partners for validation and reassurance.

Of course, these are just generalisations, and every person and relationship is unique and to be honest we're all a little of each of the them. But the point is, your attachment style can be a pretty good predictor of how you'll behave and feel in romantic relationships. And if you're finding that your relationships keep hitting the same roadblocks or falling apart in the same ways, your attachment style might be part of the puzzle.

But can't we just overcome our childhood traumas?

Now, you might be thinking, 'Okay, so my attachment style is causing problems in my relationships. Can't I just get over it?' And the answer is...kind of.

The thing is, attachment styles are deeply ingrained patterns of behaviour and thought that were formed during some of our most formative years. They're not something you can just snap your fingers and change overnight. BUT, that doesn't mean you're stuck with your attachment style forever.

There are a lot of myths out there about attachment and trauma - like the idea that if you just find the right partner, all your problems will magically disappear, or that therapy is a waste of time. But the truth is, healing from attachment wounds takes time and effort. It requires self-awareness, vulnerability, and a willingness to face some uncomfortable truths about yourself and your past.

That being said, it's important to remember that changing your attachment style isn't about erasing your past or "fixing" yourself. It's about learning new ways of relating to others that feel more authentic and fulfilling. It's about building your capacity for intimacy and connection, one small step at a time. And hey, it might not always be easy, but the payoff can be pretty damn amazing.

So what can we do about our Attachment Style?

Okay, okay, so you're sold on the idea that attachment styles matter and that they can have a big impact on your relationships. But what can you actually do about it? Let me tell you how to change your attachment style:

1. Get curious about your attachment style. Do some research, take a quiz or assessment, and try to understand how your childhood experiences might be affecting your relationships today.

2. Learn to self soothe yourself especially when the anxiety or desire to flee takes over.

3. Set realistic expectations eg your partner can't meet all of your needs

4. Practise sharing your feelings and needs.

5. Be patient, compassionate and kind with yourself. Healing from attachment wounds is a process, and it's not always linear or easy. Remember that progress, not perfection, is the goal.

6. Consider therapy. A therapist who specialises in this area can help you unpack your attachment patterns, process past traumas, and develop new skills for relating to others.

Remember, it's never too late to work on healing your attachment wounds and building healthier relationships. So why not give it a shot? Your future self (and your future partner) will thank you.

So there you have it. The science of attachment might not be the most glamorous topic, but it's an important one if you want to have healthy, fulfilling relationships. Whether you're already in a partnership or still swiping left and right on dating apps, taking the time to understand your own attachment style can help you avoid some common pitfalls and build stronger connections with others. And who knows, maybe one day you'll even be able to hold that carpet snake without having a panic attack.